Divorce after 40 often comes with a heavy heart and a sense of failure. It's like losing a game of Monopoly—no "Go," no $200. If you've found yourself separated or divorced later in life, you know how scary starting over can be.
But I'm here to tell you that it's also an incredible opportunity for growth and self-discovery. In this blog post, I'm sharing my own story of separation after 17 years and the valuable lessons I've learned along the way.
I had been with my partner for over 17 years—12 years dating and 5 years married. Prior to living with him, I'd spent my whole life constantly surrounded by other people. I'd lived with my parents and siblings for most of my life and while the numbers dwindled over the years as we grew up and created lives of our own, I was never alone.
There was always someone to come home to.
My relationship with my partner changed significantly after we married. As live-in partners, we got along wonderfully. However, I think we put too much pressure on ourselves and each other. As a result, over time, our relationship fell apart despite our best efforts to seal the cracks as fast as they appeared.
At the start of March 2020, which coincided with the start of our local lockdown operations in Trinidad due to Covid, we finally separated and took a much-needed breather. I was 43 and for the first time ever, I was in the extraordinary position of finally being alone.
I felt relieved, as if I finally had a moment to breathe. At the same time, I felt an overpowering sense of grief and failure. I wasn't just mourning the loss of my relationship, but a deep sense of failure that I'd been unable to keep my marriage together as my vows requested I do.
Fast forward to 5 years later, it's Ole Years' Night 2024. I'd invited my neighbor and her kids over to ring in the New Year as we all had no set plans and were eager to do something symbolic to celebrate the New Year.
During the wee hours of the morning, after having several glasses of wine and losing our inhibitions, my neighbor asked me, "Teheli, tell me something; you always seem so confident and spunky. How do you do it? How do you manage being on your own at this stage of your life?"
As I looked at her, I realized that there was really no easy way to answer her question. The ease with which I appeared to exude being on my own isn't always easy. Her question has since led me to writing this blog as I've taken a moment to reflect about what advice I would offer anyone who's trying to cultivate a new life for themselves after a separation or divorce over 40.
Acceptance
Choosing to walk away from a relationship or situationship that does not serve either of you is not a failure. In fact, it is an act of courage and self-love which allows one to create space for healing by putting yourself first.
You have arrived at a place of acceptance and you have opted to put yourself and your needs first.
Grieve
If only I had a dollar for every time I was told "You're a good-looking woman, men will be all over you, don't worry about starting over." The first few months following my separation, I went through a cycle of acceptance, grief, questioning my decision, and back to grief. It felt like I'd lost my best friend. We used to share everything – our dreams, our fears, our silly jokes. Suddenly, that constant support system was gone. It was overwhelming.
Take the time you need to mourn this loss.
Develop a support system of trusted family and friends who can help you through this grieving period. I am eternally grateful to the women in my inner circle and their families for the countless hours they spent on the phone or in person, offering support and a listening ear as I navigated this difficult time.
Develop a Tight Inner Circle
Having loving and supportive people in your life at any time is vital.
During a crisis, it is a must. Be sure to cultivate your inner circle so that you are among people whose loyalty and trust cannot be questioned.
You are already in a vulnerable place of healing; having the right people in your corner makes the process less challenging.
It's Okay Not to Be Okay
Some days are going to be harder than others. In particular, milestone reminders – birthdays, anniversaries, being in a place you both loved, or even hearing a song that was significant to you and your former partner.
There were days I would wake up and feel a wave of sadness wash over me. It's okay to have those days. I learned to embrace them, to allow myself to feel the emotions, and then to gently guide myself back to a more positive space.
I encourage you to face the moment, embrace and accept the feelings that come with these memories, and ride the emotional waves. There is no need for the proverbial stiff upper lip.
Have yourself a good cry!
Create Healthy Boundaries with Your Ex
Unless there are children involved, assets to liquidate, or any other pertinent matters to address, do yourself and your ex a favor by minimizing contact or exposure to each other. Being in constant contact with your ex – even if the relationship is cordial – can delay healing and moving forward, unless you decide to rekindle the relationship.
This might seem harsh, but in the effort for self-care, treat your ex like an acquaintance until you have worked through your feelings and are in a much better place mentally and emotionally.
Bitter or Better?
Whether or not it was your choice to initiate the separation, walking away from the trauma of your relationship can leave you feeling devastated, drained, and, if not careful, hardened.
There is a very fine line between feeling jaded from your relationship and choosing to do the self-work necessary to accept that the end of your relationship involved both people.
Choose this opportunity to transform your pain into personal growth. Embrace the journey of becoming a better version of yourself.
When you work on yourself, you bring more light and positivity into the lives of those around you. You become a beacon of radiance and magnetism, attracting the right people and energies into your life.
Get in Nature
There is no easier way to heal than to surround yourself in a soothing and natural environment. Lose yourself in the beauty of a sunrise hike, find solace in the sound of the ocean waves crashing against the shore, immerse yourself in water, take a retreat – this and so much more can help to ground you and work through the gamut of emotions to process.
I recall recently going on a gratitude walk with a newly found group of friends to the top of Mount Tabor.
It was incredible!
We are all at a similar phase of life and through each other, we found joy, we laughed at ourselves and each other and reflected on how wonderful our lives have turned out – I like to call it the collateral beauty of separation or divorce.
Exercise
Exercise is an effective outlet for releasing the stress and emotional pain that go with adjusting to your newly single status.
Channel your energy and work towards actively becoming a fitter and healthier version of yourself. Setting personal goals and challenges will help to ensure that you stick to your exercise routine, especially if you have an exercise buddy to hold you accountable.
Build a Supportive Community
You are inevitably going to lose friends naturally or cut ties with some of the people connected to you or your ex for a multitude of reasons.
Some might even avoid you like the plague in case they also catch a case of "separation-itis"!
This is okay and quite normal. Use the opportunity to reassess your current community of family and friends and to cultivate a new circle of friends that best reflect this new phase of your life.
Find Joy in Being Single
Yes, there is joy in being single! Unlike your 20s, you now have the resources and the freedom to do what brings you joy.
Use this opportunity wisely to get to know yourself better, to learn or try out new things you wouldn't have had time for if you were still in a relationship.
In general, you can focus on loving yourself more and becoming a better version of yourself.
Focus on yourself; you are worth it!
Be Open to Dating Again
This journey has been challenging but incredibly rewarding. I've learned to cherish my own company, prioritize my happiness, and embrace the exciting possibilities that lie ahead. You can too.
One day, you'll realize you have a clean slate. Free, emotionally available, and having dealt with past trauma.
You'll be surprised to learn that you're ready to soar again!
Thank you for reading! Feel free to share this with anyone who might find it helpful.
Cheers T
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